“FEK” it's Regimental Sergeant Major

Basic Training, Lichfield 1974. A lot of my memories are all too distant now, but some things you never forget. Nothing could have prepared me for my first meeting with the Regimental Sergeant Major.

Like they say, you can’t take them with you, but in that book you definitely can!

I eventually escaped from the cook-house, and headed for my room. In the distance, I could see and hear Cpl Clark screaming at me, he was looking at his watch. I needed to get back quickly, and decided to take a short cut, over the parade square, big mistake.

“Get here you f**king cretin,” I heard shouting coming from behind me, I turned round, “f**k,” it was the Regimental Sergeant Major, the Razzer, a giant of a man, about 6 feet 6, he looked mad as hell, with veins popping out of his head. I u-turned and ran towards him, and stood to attention, then began my character assassination. In a voice loud enough to be heard for miles, he began to harangue me.

"Only two people walk on this parade square, ME and GOD, and he only walks on it because I can’t see him, or else I would F**king charge him.”

He started to make me laugh slightly, I knew it would anger him more, but I couldn’t help it.

"What the f**k are you laughing at, you f**king after birth, are you animal, vegetable or mineral, or the result of some sodomized, bastardized, relationship between all three?

And what the f**k is that, dangling from your scrawny neck?"

"It's a crucifix, sir. My mum gave it to me."

"Why are you wearing jewellery, in uniform?"

"Cos’ I'm a Christian, sir. Church of England."

"Well, I'm church of Egypt, but I don’t wear a f**king Pyramid around my neck, do I? Get it off!!!!

“Yes Sir.”

“Now f**k off to where ever you were going, before I ram my pace stick through your ears, and ride you round camp, like a Kawasaki motorbike with the speed of a thousand gazelles, move it.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice, I ran like hell towards my barrack room, I felt like I’d just had a lucky escape. I hope I never bump into him again, anytime soon. From one bollocking to another, now it was the Cpl Clarke’s turn.

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